safe and secure from all alarms

midnight madness sale, house of james, abbotsford, bc.  december 5th, 2009.  9:52 p.m.

why do i not feel His presence here tonight?

why can't i shake the feeling that there is something horribly, horribly wrong? it has to be past these good christian's bedtime.  at least the little ones. as the crowd mingles about around me, buying coffee, books, music, dvd's, no doubt stocking up for the upcoming celebration of christmas, i am unsettled. more than that, my heart is troubled.  i can't quite put my finger on it.  there is a subtle, underlying sense of...of what?  it is not mediocrity alone, though i cannot deny the smell of it.  the man behind the microphone seems almost as  disinterested in his music as i am, if not more so.  the aisles are filled with  people, shuffling behind one another, smiling at the babys, sharing a word or  two in hurried, uninterested conversation.

here there is fellowship devoid of community.
looking around the room, i feel as though i recognize every person i see, though i do not know any of them.
this is a familiar crowd.
the christian-bookstore/coffee shop crowd.  here in this, as it was put to me recently, "coffee shop for people who are afraid to take their bibles out in a 'real' coffee shop." the bookstore for those who want assurance of the safe-faith content in the books they purchase.
this is a familiar crowd.

glancing across each of the tables surrounding me, i see the security in each pair of eyes.  i hear the safety in every voice.
the timid timbre that comforts the countless cares of the world
and calls the calloused countryside into conformity.
o, great Shaper of my will,
will i find Your will in the willing hearts of we the wayward?
Will I find the Voice
in the throats of we who through thougtless threats of theorized theophany
have thrown our voices to the wind?
have we worshiped here tonight?
here as a gathered body of believers, a fellowship of fellow saints;
are we effecting change?
are we changed?
do we even desire it?
are we aware it is needed?
this feels all too familiar.
how is this going into the world and making disciples?
how is this feeding the poor? comforting the lonely?
where is the restorative power of the Kingdom?

here we are, gathered together again.
the conference of the like-minded.  pleasantries.  warm words.  mindless messages.
plastic plants.  whimsical worship.  Christ-crazed consumption.  fenced-in faith.
slumbering seekers.

Awake, o sleeper.  Arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.
Turn over the Tomlin-tables.  Flip the Rob-Bell-Bookshelves.

i can't seem to stand Christians tonight.
is this the way of the cross?
surrounded by insincerity?

Father, open my eyes; open my heart.
let my heart be always and only after Yours.
what is on Your heart?
hold me accountable for my thoughts, my words, my actions.

let me be Yours.

who is truly great

oh, how quickly passes away the glory of the world!
he is truly great who has great charity
he is truly great who is little in his own eyes
he is truly wise who looks upon all earthly things as dung 
that he may gain Christ
and he truly is well learned who does the will of G-d 
and renounces his own will
blessed are the single-hearted, 
for they shall have much peace
we are too much taken up with our own passions, 
and too anxious about transitory things
and seldom do we perfectly overcome so much as one vice, 
nor are we inflamed with the desire to improve every day ; 
and therefore we remain cold and lukewarm
if we were perfectly dead to ourselves, 
and no wise entangled in our inner hearts, 
then might we be able to relish things divine, 
and experience something of heavenly contemplation.


-thomas à kempis

the soul is guided by faith

"in a dark night

with anxious love inflamed

o happy lot!

forth unobserved i went

my house being now at rest

in darkness and in safety

by the secret ladder, disguised,

o happy lot!

in darkness and concealment,

my house being now at rest

on the road to union with G-d the night of faith shall guide me

faith tells us of things we have never seen, and cannot come to know by our natural senses

the light of faith is like the light of the sun which blinds our eyes because its light is stronger than our powers of sight.  so the light of faith transcends our comprehension"

-st. john of the cross